I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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