So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
