we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
