she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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