I just saw a hot homeless man
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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