Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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