yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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