My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
