Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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