I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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