I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
