farters have to be the big spoon...
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
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