I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Randomize
