I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
