One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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