I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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