Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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