Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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