saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
She announced her abortion via fbk
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Just high enough for therapy.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Randomize
