Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
