Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
