Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
