i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
