why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
