Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
