and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize