I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
