Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize