I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
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