She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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