The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
