Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
