when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Come on in and take your pants off
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