Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
