Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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