I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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