Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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