Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize