How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
You're earring is so big in my mouth
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Randomize
