you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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