last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
