Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
