Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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