Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
