So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
