just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
