had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
