So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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