I'm so fucking centered right now
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
