I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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