So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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