I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
3pm strippers are depressing
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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