Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Randomize
