My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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