Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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