I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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