More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
he wants to bone in the snuggie
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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