On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
