When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
is wine microwaveable?
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
