textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
