Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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