I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
