It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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