mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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