Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
