so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
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