Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
